Saturday, January 25th, 2025
Good morningggg!!
My Daddy brought doughnuts this morning. They didn’t look like the ones pictured on the left, but they were delicious, and I ate more than I think I should. And I just really liked this picture because it was: 1. free to use and 2. these doughnuts look kinda goth. I love putting soft/bright/feminine/gentle things together with darker stuff. Like a frilly pink floral dress with black lipstick and a studded body harness and big stompy goth boots. Emo punk rock Hello Kitty. Those Furry Bones figurines of skeletons dressed up in cute animal costumes. Skelanimals. Adorable AND macabre. Sh!t like that.
Anywho, that made me…and my dog…extremely happy. I really love my family, and my dog is obsessed with my dad. Like seriously, I fell in a ditch once and she ran to my parent’s door. Not to help me, just to help herself inside and spend 30+ minutes soaking in all the Grand-doggy perks of bacon treats, belly rubs, and adoration from my Momma and Daddy while I lay outside in the grass knowing that “emotional support b!tch” has 0 to no chance of ever passing service dog certification.
I don’t know if I should talk about my dog now, or doughnuts. Doughnuts is in the title. Or DONUTS, if you prefer. It’s an easier and more common spelling, but it just isn’t quite as palatable to me as long form “DOUGHNUTS”. I’m typing this word a lot because apparently there is something called SEO I should be concerned about. Doughnuts. Donuts. Doughnuts and donuts and coffee is sooo good. Sponsor me and send me donuts.
Whatever. Nobody is probably going to ever read this blog besides me. Maybe I’m vain. idk. I like making stuff and seeing what I’ve managed to create. Creation is good for the soul. And you don’t have to be talented, you just have to do and enjoy it. That’s the point. The journey. Like that kinda boring board game my husband loves. It’s called “Tokaido”, and it has pretty oriental pictures and you eat ramen and give to temples and stuff and the point is not in being the first to finish, but to have enjoyed the journey the most. Really, how true life should be, I suppose. It would be nice. To enjoy life instead of being constantly exhausted and unfulfilled just for the sake of surviving.
Well, I really hate the way the world works. My husband does too. The older we get, the more we notice all the contradictions and stupid hierarchy and greed and just general meanness of people. It’s frustrating. It could be and should be better. I’m being a downer here. maybe I need another Red Bull. Coconut is my favorite. If Red Bull wanted to do an affiliate thing with me, I would use my metaphorical “wiiiiiiiiings” to promote the heck out of them. I frickin love a good Red Bull. It gives me vitality and life much better than caffeine alone!! I like to use two exclamation points. It’s a holdover from the emo-scene-myspace-L33ksp34k days of rAwR XD and sideways emojis typed by hand.
I’ve only recently realized that my internal monologue almost always finds its way outside. How annoying that must be for everyone around me. Because it annoys me when someone else is spouting off their internal thoughts aloud because I can’t “just ignore” it and completely derails my own shoddy working memory train of thought. That’s a sucky thing about neurodivergence in relation to ADHD. I butt into conversations on impulse because if I wait two seconds, I will completely lose that thought and very likely never find it again…and what if it’s important? I’m not sure. Everything seems important. At least now I understand why I had so much trouble at work relaying phone messages. My long-term memory is creepy accurate. I know exactly what outfit down to the jewelry, underwear, and socks I was wearing when I first discovered the band House of Heroes over a decade ago…but the conversation I just had on the phone? My mind is a blank slate, like an Etch-A-Sketch violently shaken the very instant I set the receiver down. I have no what they said…I don’t even remember who I was talking to on the phone. “Hey, a person called about a thing,” Yeah, bosses don’t really like that.
Why am I boring you with all this back and forth of unrelated things that have no purpose? Because the purpose is just to keep myself actively doing something. I have a hard time staying with a task or project. I abandon so many hobbies. I give up when I am not instantly successful. So, this is my very intentional attempt at sticking with it, even if it’s not perfect. Perfectionism, the old trope of “Anything worth doing, is worth doing right,” has long been an enemy to my productivity and self-worth. Screw that. Imperfect and done is better than not done at all. For most things at least. It’s a perspective change that has helped me get the momentum to start trying again. I think I got the idea from the Fly Lady cleaning page during one of my “This item/product/method/idea is going to change my whole life and fix everything!” phases. Same as that high-priced online masterclass, miracle mushroom coffee, the bullet blender, self-help books, exercise equipment, shadow work journal, gratitude devotional, yearly budget planner, set of magnetic eyelashes, diet supplements, and sleep hypnosis tracks. Spoiler alert: they were not the end-all solution. They just made me poorer and full of guilt. And wanting to buy something else to fix it all.
I’m trying really hard not to just type every passing thought that crosses my mind here. My husband is sexy. The keyboard is purple. I really like the paint my parents chose for their living room. It is rudely cold outside. I better go, fam. It’s obvious I have nothing and absolutely everything to say.
XO Edie